Warning: Politically Incorrect

Did you hear about the Alzheimer’s protest march?

“What do we want?”

“We don’t know!”

“When do we want it?”

“Want what?

This week, David’s elderly mom seems a tad better; some brain tangles have maybe loosened (temporarily?).  A partial reprieve.  Whew.

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

She snapped six months ago; for the last three, her behavior has been very animalistic.  Right now, though, she’s tame.  She seems a little more connected, but David and I have a running debate on how much she understands.  We both agree on one thing: it’s not much.

What’s Jewish Alzheimer’s Disease?

It’s when you forget everything but the guilt.

Eureka!  Yesterday I leaped over another hurdle.  I’ve solved the problem of loose-fitting undergarments = daily tackling of super-tight bed liners + laundry.  Forgive me for putting into your head this mental picture:  a bony 83-year-old in a girls’ neon floral swimsuit.  (Don’t kid yourself: YOU LOVE IT.)

An elderly man walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous much younger woman sitting on her own. He walks over, sits next to her and says: “Do I come here often?

Hey:  if necessity is the mother of invention, call me Thomas Edison.  A friend said I should make a list of tips. That’s a good thought.  I dare say others are no different from me: they’ll eventually figure things out!  But maybe a list of tips could spare them some snags and avert some trouble.

I was in the shopping center when a man approached me, collecting for Alzheimer’s. I told him, “Take off! I’ve already given, don’t you remember?

Okay, by Request, a Bonus Today:

THE TIPS

ORGANIZATON:

Diaper Kit, Bath Kit, Feeding Kit, First-aid Kit

FEEDING:

Old pill bottle is a great food chopper.

Wrap patient loosely in a sheet to control limbs.

Patients that choke on beverages don’t need “Thick-it”: spoon-feed a fruit/water mixture.

Keep on hand blender purees: chicken, peaches, prunes.

Also serve noodles, yogurt, pudding, flavored applesauce, mashed soft leftovers.

Take dentures out when unused: uppers first, finger between lip and gum; for lowers, finger goes inside gum.

HYGEINE:

Make un-strippable tunic by sewing pants to a button-up shirt (backwards).

Ultra-tight bed liner, then rubber flat, then fitted sheet

Bathing always same order: Upper, Lower, Change bed, Hair, Pelvic

One-piece bathing suit keeps loose diaper in place.

COMFORT:

Wears a “Snuggie” when in main house

Fireplace screen around feet when dog’s around

Avoid having a hospital bed by using a TV Pillow.

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4 Responses to Warning: Politically Incorrect

  1. Justme says:

    Great tips!!

  2. Tamz says:

    I admire you, Laura.

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