Advance Directives

ADVANCE DIRECTIVES

If, by majority vote, it is decided that I am officially losing my mind, I do NOT wish to be punched by a robot.

If, in the opinion of my peers, I have gained enough weight to no longer be a viable peer, I DO wish to be crushed by a sumo wrestler.

If, after much consideration, it is not likely I will recover from Tourette Syndrome, I do NOT wish to be bitten on the elbow by a hamster.

If, after much admonishment, I continue listening to Neil Diamond, Elton John, or Barry Manilow, I DO NOT wish to be incarcerated in an elevator playing Muzak.

If, through no fault of my own, my hair begins to fall out and my skin turns a putrid shade of green, I DO wish to be dressed daily in a fluorescent pink HazMat suit.

If, for all intents and purposes, I am no longer able to drive safely, I do NOT wish to be placed in a pine tree and fed carrion.

If, by some miracle, I no longer am feeding myself, I do NOT wish to be fed carbs and fats; this blessing will have been long overdue.

If, upon hearing of political or other ridiculous situations, I begin kicking holes in sheetrock, I DO wish to be hung upside-down and swatted with a feather duster.

If, in the observation of my closest loved ones, I have lost my ability to cook, I do NOT wish to receive 3rd-degree burns from an exploding lava lamp.

If, for some reason, I become permanently insane, indecent, or incontinent, I DO wish to be placed in the care of a Newfoundland, Spaniel, or Labrador.

If, by some long shot, I’m still alive after 90 years of age, I DO wish to be seated in a canoe in my front yard on Thursdays.

If, Heaven forbid, I have not been provided a Cadillac or Lincoln by that time, I do NOT wish to be buried in my Honda.

 

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6 Responses to Advance Directives

  1. Tamz says:

    Ummmm… I think Effie must be rubbing off on you. lol

  2. Just Me says:

    “If, by some long shot, I’m still alive after 90 years of age, I DO wish to be seated in a canoe in my front yard on Thursdays.”

    Careful what you wish for!! LOL!
    Love today’s post..It’s inspiring, (in some wierd sort of way) probably because it made me smile, of which I have not done much of lately. Thank you! Missed you so much tonight! 😦

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